i need a hit

i need to burn alive

the crucifix beckons,

if he suffered why can’t i?

to feel my organs twisting

into new, foreign shapes

to feel the flames

luckily at my feet, my bones,

my faithless skin.

a godless communion begins

the hit morphs —

an infected wound

stitched in gold.

silence on the doorstep,

drunk girls giggle,

hand in hand with evening lovers

cigarette smoke curls skywards.

/

(something claws at my lungs —

i let it)

/

starving —

even bones would suffice.

my blood — poisoned,

i’ve always had an addictive personality

never knew when to fucking stop:

drink

sunk

and sunk

and sunk

until i did too

a beautiful mask

honed by my brushes on my vanity

perfection comes easy

when it’s all you have left

are you feeling this?

this living fire?

this chasm of nothingness?

the virgin watches,

her maternal arms wait for me.

nails split skin like prophecy —

hollow eyes fixed on my blood

sinking into the floorboards.

the quiet knowing in her gaze is enough.

she can’t save me

but she can hold my writhing body.

there’s a hole

where my chest once was

a bullet, so clean

i didn’t flinch.

hindsight is achingly beautiful,

hindsight is sickeningly bitter.

i can’t tell if i wanted

him

or her

or him

or her

drowning out the scar

shaped like your hand on my waist

your laugh imprinted on my mind’s eye,

tainting all i see

with the decaying taste of you.

a rotting thing

in an elegant silver coffin.

drugs strangle it

drink chokes it

a stranger’s body eats it alive.

/

doesn’t it?

/

the virgin mary kneels.

she weeps.

i stare at her —

her grief deeper than mine:

richer.

ancient.

porcelain tears on blushing cheeks.

golden crown atop a wounded mind.

a selfish part of me wishes she would weep

for my loss.

for my suffering.

no one can hear me.

there’s a home in this silence

echoing heartbeats —

the body prepares for war.

/

pause

/

interlude

/

break

/

(breaking. the shattering of glass)

/

heavy breathing.

another shot.

another line.

another hit.

chasing what was snatched from me —

claws sink into flesh.

they will scar.

i will scar.

i hope my breath on your neck

haunts you.

i hope loving hands

tracing your freckles

burn like ash in your throat.

i hope you’re fucked forever

just like me.

/